Remembering the Two we Never Knew

Today was the National Day of Remembrance for miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss.

I have discussed our two miscarriages a few times on this blog in the past, but I know it's been awhile, and any new readers may not be familiar with their stories. And in my case, I think remembering is best served by retelling.

I'm not sure how to word this part without being insensitive to those struggling with fertility. Please extend me grace and know that my intent is not to hurt you in any way, but to share our story..... Getting pregnant has never been an issue for us. In fact, I literally planned the months that all of our children would be born in. With all 6 babies, we got pregnant the very first time we tried.

From the point of view of our baby's health, everything went perfectly the first two times. Emma was born on her due date (March 30th, 2001) and Sophia was also born on her due date (March 14th, 2003). Even my babies were cooperating with my controlling organized nature.

And who needs God when everything is going according to my own personal plan?

I'm not saying that God punished me by taking my babies. But that is one of the good things that He brought out of these painful situations.....realizing that, as much as I would sometimes like to be, I am not in control. Of anything, really. He is.

And nothing happens to me that has not first been filtered through His loving hands.

That does not mean that nothing bad will ever happen. Obviously it can, and it did. But it means that He is still on His throne, and He weeps with me and He comforts me. We just have to hold on to the One who's holding us.

Because with Baby#3 my plans went out the window.

My plan involved Baby#3 being born in February 2005.

My plan involved telling Nathan, on Father's Day, that he was going to be a dad again.

My plan did not involve losing the baby we loved in July 2004, months before we had hoped to meet him/her.

My plan did not involve sobbing in the bathroom before pulling myself together because I had to take care of my other two children.

But I didn't get to make the plan.

As I'm sure you could guess, miscarriage does not get any easier the second time around.

Olivia was born in June 2005. Our next (fifth) pregnancy was very planned.

My plan involved our fourth child being born at the end of September 2007. This would give a slightly bigger age gap between this baby and Olivia - necessary because, well if you know Olivia, you know why! - yet still enable them to be only two grades apart in school. I always get very sick when pregnant, and even though I was fairly confident that a different medication I had found out about and was planning to try, would work, I couldn't be certain, and I knew I couldn't handle her at that age if I got as sick as I had with my other "successful" pregnancies.

Well, the joke was on me. Because I didn't get sick at all. I didn't get sick because I lost the baby again. So much for my plan.

After that I didn't care about planning, I didn't care about timing, I just wanted to be pregnant. And, shortly thereafter, I was pregnant again for the sixth time.

And then the spotting started again. I couldn't believe it. Again?! Immediately all sorts of questions start swirling in my head - how many more times would we keep trying to have another baby before giving up? Was it worth it to keep trying if it kept ending in heartache? But how could I stand to end things on a miscarriage? I had already started the grieving process, certain of how this was going to end - and then I got sick! I think that's the first time I had ever been joyful about being sick. I was cautiously optimistic that things were turning around and that everything would be ok. It took a little while for it to truly sink in that I was still pregnant. I was fearful to hope, scared that my body was just playing tricks on me. Unfortunately, the new doctor I had switched to, did not have the doppler in her office, so I was unable to hear the heartbeat until my 20 week ultrasound. And, even though almost all pregnancy symptoms were "go" - and I was growing (like crazy!), I still had not felt the baby move - at 20 weeks! So, I was nervous, to say the least, going in to that ultrasound appointment.

But everything turned out to be just fine. The doctor explained that I hadn't felt the kicking yet because my placenta was in front of the baby and so the baby had to be strong enough to kick "through" that (not literally of course!) before I would feel it. I started feeling the kicks within a few days of that appointment.

But then at my next dr appointment she told me that the ultrasound had a minor red flag having to do with my baby's kidneys. She wasn't overly concerned but wanted to do some extra fetal assessments to be on the safe side. I was a little concerned because there is a history of kidney problems in my family. But, once again, everything turned out to be fine - the problem "fixed itself" (I think the Creator had a little to do with it!) and Jacob was born 100% healthy (after a few scary moments) in January 2008.

The very strange part of all this, and I've blogged about it in the past as well, is that I did not plan Olivia and Jacob. If things had gone according to my plan, we would still have 4 children. The first two would still be Emma & Sophia, but the second two would not be Olivia and Jacob, they would be someone else. Olivia and Jacob would not be here. I still can't wrap my head around that. It is the strange dance of sorrow and joy - celebrating the lives of my two youngest blessings, while mourning the loss of two babies I never got the chance to know in this life.

But oh, how glad I am that this is not all there is!

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Romans 8:18 (NASB)

I will get to meet those two precious babies one day. I know this beyond a shadow of a doubt. Our goodbye is not forever and our meeting each other is only delayed. For now, they are with their grandpa. For now, they are with my Jesus. For now, that has to be enough.

But the day will come when I will get to see their faces for the very first time. The day will come when I will be reunited with the babies I carried for too short a time. And that reunion will be glorious beyond imagination!

Today I remember the two we never knew. At least, not yet.....

Come, Lord Jesus.


P.S. For those unfamiliar with the Christian faith, I highly recommend you read this post - Seven Reasons You Should Not Become a Christian, and One Reason You Should and this post about God's love for YOU!